LGB or T, Do I Have to Pick A Letter?

Today's email comes from 30 year old "J" from Germany

"J" had great courage to write to us and we applaud him for that. Reaching out can be a very difficult thing to do.

This email is one of our all time favorite emails we've gotten to date because of this man's bravery.

J writes:

I just don't know what to do with myself.
I don't know wether I'm gay or straight or bi or trans. I have a curiosity for all those things. But of course I can't BE all of that. at least not at the same time. or can I? I feel like I want to decide which impulse to follow, but I don't know, which of the feelings to act upon. Am I just fascinated by everything "gay" that is presented in the media, because it has a flair of something special and exotic? Or because it seems gay people "know" more about sex because they maybe because of their CO had to go through more of a conscious thought regarding their sexuality? do I feel less manly, because I was mistaken for a girl a few times when i was a child and teen? Am I a straight guy that feels he can't "measure up" to other hetero guys and therefore goes gay, because he thinks he can more easily attract guys?

When I was younger I dreamed of a world where it dosn't matter , which sex or gender you love. and i thought that maybe i can create this world. but of course I've come to understand now, that you cannot change the world from one moment to the other. These thoughts have brouhgt me into a very insecure position. Because I fear ultimately being rejected by straight AND gay people for not "playing in their team 100%". I sometimes feel maybe I need a "coming in" as some peple call it. Like: all you people thought I was gay, including myself, but really I'm straight.

The thing is: I love women. I Love feminity. does it mean i have to be a woman? does it mean I want one as a partner? does a curiosity for penises that started in early puberty mean that I am gay, when I can't seem to get along with men very well? How can I have a patnership with a man when I feel insecure and competing in his company? shouldn't I better seek love and partnership where I feel accepted and understood? that is mostly with women. so as far as i see it, there is a disconnect. I'm more easily, but not solely attracted to the sight of mens genitals, but I'm more comfortable around women, can betterimagine living with a woman etc. what does it mean? is it just some kind of cock-fetish? don't I allow myself to feel animalistic sexual pleasure at the sight of womens genitals because I fear I can't give THEM what THEY need?

How do i find out? how do i decide? see? I say decide! I Know a lot of people say sexual orientation isn't a choice. but for me it seems to be. So, if I were to go gay and were in the position to defend myself, if I used the argumentation that it isn't a choice i would be lying in a way. you know what? in the end I feel that most people are bisexual and that labels dont reflect reality.

Well I guess this is too complicated even for you to answer. But i'm still going to ask you:
should I go for the pure sexual thing? and hope that everything else establishes around it? but what if i don't even like the guy behind the dick? I'm afraid that I'd become a sex-addict...

What also bothers me, is that I feel like everything else in my life is depending on this question now.
I am 30 but i feel like I'm 16 because I haven't answered these questions yet. Because I feel like erverbody else has their knowldge and opinions about sex and love and relationships and I don't.

Anyway. You're doing a great job thanks for reading this.



"J" first off allow yourself to feel proud that you have the guts to ask yourself these questions. For that, you deserve to FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

I agree with you, sexuality and gender identity can be complicated and hard to understand, especially when society tells us that men are supposed to be aggressive and competitive creatures.

First thing is first, TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF YOUR SHOULDERS. Do you know how many people live their entire lives denying themselves true self acceptance because they are too afraid of asking themselves these questions? This moment in your life is the perfect time to be contemplating these things regardless of your age.

J, your sexuality is only one aspect of your life and IT does not have to define you as a person. You are more than a lover. You have to remind yourself of that fact. I don't know your history but I will gable and say that in your 30 years on this planet you have touched many lives. And of course when I mean "touched" it's in a non-sexual way ;-) The proof is that here we are exchanging ideas you and I. I thank you for that.

You have many questions that only you can answer in time but you have to give yourself permission to truly listen to your heart.

In regards to sexuality, sexuality does not have to be a one way street. You don't have to jump the fence and say "from this day forward I'm gay, or I'm straight." Your body knows what is pleasurable. Like you said "I feel that most people are bisexual and that labels dont reflect reality."

Regardless of who you may be more attracted to you have to give yourself permission to enjoy sex for what it is, an intimate exchange that is not only physical but it can also be emotional. Sex for men doesn't have to be all about how big or small their penises are or what they know how to do to their partner in bed or what they don't know. It's about sharing of oneself with another person and making the time together in bed as pleasurable to all parties involved as possible. You have to tackle sex with confidence. And confidence is something you need to nurture within yourself.

I say start looking at individuals as "books" and their bodies as "book covers." Some covers have a penis, and some have a vagina. Some may have a vagina that used to be a penis. Some even have breast and a penis, etc. Although all these may seem like different covers what's inside each of these books are stories, some written and some unwritten. That's where you come in "J." When you meet someone you are a co-author in their life, just like they are a co-author in your life.

Physical attraction is something that is out of our control but what we can control (choose) is who we invite into our bedrooms to write the chapter/s on "sex." Those chapters can be lots of fun if you want them to be. I'll spare you the details of how I was so nervous one time before having sex with a past lover that I threw up! I THREW UP! I find it funny now, but let me tell you, it was pretty embarrassing at the time. I wanted the sexual experience to be perfect so much so that my fear got the best of me and I lost my cookies.

Did I end up having sex after throwing up? YES. I was lucky enough that my partner still wanted to have sex. After having put my fears aside, and my lunch, I got right back in there. Thank God for mouth wash. And it was great sex. Sex with no more fear or worries.

I always side with aligning your choice of who you want in you bedroom to whom you are naturally physically attracted, and giving yourself permission to explore all possible options if your natural physical attractions ever change. No limits. Complete sexual freedom. It is when you allow yourself this freedom that you can hear what your heart needs.

It's ok to NOT have all the answers right now. That's why we're here. To experience all that life can give us and to keep learning from ourselves and each other.

Life is about giving not just physically but emotionally. Once you dig deep inside and find that you have plenty to give, which you do, your heart will know who to give it to. Then you'll be ready for a partner, whether it's a he or a she or someone in-between time will tell.

On the practical side I would suggest you surround yourself with folks that are free spirited and that don't place "shame" on sex. If in the process of conversation they ask you something personal that you are not ready to discuss you simply say that you don't have a definitive answer at that particular moment but that you will think about it. Then ask them if they are ready to share their thoughts on the same subject. The point is to keep the dialogue going and to feel comfortable thinking outside the box. Don't feel like you have to stick your dick in a box. Sorry, I had to throw in a joke. It's my natural playful female side trying to balance my male seriousness ;-)

Thanks so much for your email and I hope you send me an update in the future. I have faith in you J. The fact that you emailed me is proof you are on your way to self acceptance and on a wonderful adventure of self discovery. This is an exciting time for you, don't spend it being afraid. Embrace your complexities and go out and enjoy your life. Meet interesting men and women and ask them their stories and experiences. You will see that people will have a lot to say when it comes to sexuality and gender identity. It's a fascinating conversation and you are an integral part of it.


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