Thursday, November 1, 2012

The Story of a Crossdressing Rockstar

We often get many emails with photo submissions of our readers, many tell us their personal stories. Few have captivated me like the following story.

It is totally worth a read. You may see yourself, as I have, in the struggles this reader has faced in his life.

'My Journey as a Bi-Sexual/ Cross Dresser/ Drag Queen/ Bitch Ass Diva' 

PART I

Like many crossdressers I've been dabbling in gender bending since I was a child. I remember always being more interested in what our current western culture refers to as female gender expression than male. I was the boy who would prefer to play dress up or house with girls than throwing baseballs around. Most distinctly though, I recall many memories in which I pretended to be a girl, at least in my own mind if not in an understood game with friends. One of my playmates up the street would call my house simply asking to come over to watch a movie or ride bikes, but in my mind I was a cute girl getting asked to come over to flirt. Ha....yes- I really get a kick out of going over those feelings that just came through so naturally before the filters of middle school and puberty began to set in. In that innocent frame of mind, it was perfectly normal for me to imagine myself as a girl.

I played high school football for four years but in spring semester of my senior year the theatre chair signed me up for some improv and acting classes. Within weeks I was in the cast of 'Grease' learning choreography and stage make up. The experience of connecting with the theatre world tapped me back into my creative more open side and a realm that I felt natural in. Such a relief from the long days of football practices at which I struggled to be average at best, I was delighted to harmonize with people of a softer and artsier ilk.

Departing my high school career, I was on a high from re-engaging my artistic and expressive juices, and I launched into my college days with ferocity and total openness. Even though it seemed I had my pick of women stemming from being an attractive male full of vigor, confidence, and 'life of the party' energy, I remained the guy who would talk drunk girls out of having sex with me by preaching to them about respecting themselves and building more self- esteem. Also my straight guy friends made fun of me for being into 'lesbian looking girls'. I never thought much of it although I didn't quite understand what or who I was most attracted to, which didnt bother me but rather excited me.

At one house party, in a rather depressed state, not feeling in my element or vibing with peers, I wandered back to the back room to the keg to fill up my cup. In that room it was just myself, two girls, and two super beautiful soft looking men sitting on the dryer close to one another caressing each other and kissing from time to time. The moment is so vividly kept because the next thing I knew I had texted an ex- girlfriend back in Atlanta "omg Im gay'.

However as it can go for the emotional amnesiac- I woke up the next day and brushed it all off. I continued to have sexual encounters with women but still fantasized about broadening my horizons. A true tell- tale was the way I would change around gay men or women as if to indicate subconsciously that I was a part of that group. There seemed to be more of a harmony when I was around that which is queer, like some weight was lifted or I had permission to let lose parts of my personality that didn't make sense for straight John to exhibit. Geez...what a mess!

A year after a study abroad in France in 2006, I dropped out of college to pursue my passion of electronic music creation and performance. Almost instantly I was DJing all over the city of Charleston, and after a year- the southeast...of course more than any other venue I DJed at Charleston's famous gay bar Pantheon. During these years I was in love with a fashionista girl who loved my sensitive side and gentle nature and supported my efforts to establish a career as a DJ, music producer, and entertainer.

In 2009, as my career advanced to new levels and I expanded into a greater peace with my being, I began to do more detailed stylings with my 13 inches of blonde hair and next found myself playing with my girlfriends make up, and soon after her wardrobe. Before long I was full on in connection with my inner girl all over again and in love with the experience of identifying with that part of myself. I realized how many times I had wanted to let this feeling loose and free but supressed it only to create a discordance with my self. So now I felt so free and at ease, even more dignified having fully accepted my duality and being able to actively nurture and develop my female side. And lucky for me, my girlfriend worked at a chique lil boutique downtown- so when it was slow I would visit and she would dress me up and help me pick out new outfits. I was actively performing at many underground parties and festivals for which I would get totally dolled up and just loved it. I was so happy (and a bit surprised) to find that most people, friends and fans alike, even the visor/ collared shirt/ fratty fans and friends of mine were supportive (and actually a few of them wanted to fuck me ; ) ).

Not long after this delightful mini golden age, the happy bubble was burst. My band and DJ project has been on tour up and down the east coast while my girlfriend had been traveling Europe. During one point when she was still out of the country and I had just gotten back into town, I got drunk with some of my girls and we took the party to Pantheon. I met a beautiful spanish guy with long black hair and we ended up making out all night on the third floor parking deck and hooking up. In my reality distortion field I told myself there was nothing wrong with it because cheating with a guy didn't count...HA!

Soon the word got to her that I had an encounter with a guy although I believe she just thought we made out...but weeks later my just deserts were received as she told me she was no longer attracted to me since I was crossdressing more often and seeing myself more as a female being. With the ending of this 5 year relationship, and my band taking a possibly career ending break, I collapsed into the most awful depression of my life and at one point just about one year ago I almost killed myself. I had also been doing drugs like MDMA on my bands 2010 and 2011 tours frequently and felt that this had interfered with my serotonin production. It was a recipe for disaster, a full on breakdown, during which I chopped all my beautiful hair off and did my best to connect with my male identity and a normal life. I momentarily thought the magic was gone.

To be continued...

READ PART II CLICK HERE