My Not So Happy Earlier Years

One of the hardest challenges about this pandemic year has been trying to reconcile my past early trauma which has been bubbling to the surface; from the emotional and sexual assaults as a child (sexually assaulted by three different individuals by age 12), to the emotional and physical assaults in my teen years.

I can’t remember if I was 4 or 8 years old the first time I was sexually assaulted. I probably can’t remember because my family moved so much. I do remember where it took place, who assaulted me, and how I felt while it was happening. I must have partially blocked it out of my mind though to protect my psyche?

I also can’t quite remember exactly the year that I was hooked up to an EEG machine (electroencephalography) because at the time I had a few fainting spells where I went into epileptic seizures. 

But here is the rest

1979 - Born in Uruguay 4/19/1979. Taken to live in Hoboken, NJ 6/27/1979 (age 2 months)

1980 – age 1 - Moved to Uruguay 12/27/1980 (age 19 months)

1981 – age 2 - Hoboken, NJ 3/4/1981 (age 23 months)

1982 – age 3 - Moved to Uruguay 9/27/1982. (age 3 and 5 months). Uncle playfully tied my hands and I tumbled and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table. I was rushed to the hospital and got stitches near my right temple.

1983 – age 4 – Uruguay. A cement washboard/Pileta fell on me. 

1984 – age 5 - Moved to North Laud., FL 9/22/1984 (age 5 and 5 months)

1985 – age 6 - North Laud., FL

1986 – age 7 - North Laud., FL, Moved to Plantation, FL. (New kid in school) Second Elementary school I attended. Teacher put duct tape on my mouth. 

1987 – age 8 - Moved to Uruguay 9/11/1987 (age 8 and 5 months). New kid in school again. Third elementary school. Started 3rd grade and just then learned to read in Spanish while all the other kids already knew how to read. I was Circumcised. Painful. (traumatizing)

1988 – age 9 – Uruguay. New kid in school again. Fourth elementary school I attended. 

1989 – age 10 – Uruguay. Nanny sexually assaulted me. I fought her off me. Nun chastised me in front of the whole class for drawing a peace sign. She said it was the sign of the devil.

1990 – age 11 – Uruguay. I got mugged by a grown man after school on my way to the bus stop (public transportation). During my gymnastics competition my brother's friends made fun of me

1991 – age 12 - Uruguay. Teen girl sexually assaulted me.  Fainted when getting vaccination and I fell through a glass shelf cutting my shoulder and arm. I had to get stitches. I slammed a kid’s head against the wall because he was bullying me. 

1992 – age 13 – Uruguay. Boys in gym class teased me for not having leg hairs like they did. I fainted in chorus class. Family member doing drugs (family drama)

1993 – age 14 - Moved to North Laud., FL from Uruguay 3/24/1993 (age 13 and 11 months) New kid in school again.  First time back in the US since I was 8 years old so my English was that of a Second Grader. We (my family) were on food stamps,

1994 – age 15 - North Laud., FL.. (I need to revisit)

1995 – age 16 - North Laud., FL.. (I need to revisit)

1996 – age 17 - Moved to Lauderhill, FL. Senior year. I slept in abandoned house north Lauderdale to get away from my parents. Threw a desk at a football player during History class who tried to bully me. Billy the redneck would call me “faggot” in the hallways.

1997 – age 18 - Moved to Margate, FL. I was outed to my parents by an anonymous caller in the middle of the night. Another incident I was told to get out of the car or else he’d get a gun from the trunk and shoot me. Also, I was suspended for defending myself from a girl who tried to humiliate me in choir practice by poking her finger in my butt while I was singing.

These experiences and a number of others happened a long time ago, but they have made an imprint on me.  I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment where there were constant micro attacks, gaslighting, and aggression.  It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the very people that were supposed to protect me were the ones hurting me.  I want to believe with everything in my being that Life is good and people are good, even if some people in my past have failed me and even abused me.  

I can't say that I have fully healed from these early emotional wounds, but I am trying my best to recover.

I still have faith, hope, and love in my heart.  To me that is all that matters at the end of the day.